My Baby Got Married

 

I don't think they slept the night before... Welcome to our crazy family, Sarika. 
Miguel is a very lucky young man. 

Building a firepit

 

My neighbor stopped by to help my son build a firepit in our backyard. It was easy - and cheap! He watched a youtube video first. Check out how to build a fire pit on youtube: 

I Don't Understand Boys.

 

I'm not sure how he thinks...and sometimes it makes me laugh.  He put his clothes in the dryer. He then  dug up a post-it note, found a pen, wrote a "still wet" note, and stuck it on the dryer. 

Wouldn't it have been easier to start the dryer? 

An Epiphany Moment

Mom, he says, with a contemplative look in his eye.  I've had an epiphany.

Alarm bells start going off in the back of my brain.  I don't like surprises, and epiphanies definitely qualify as surprises. I just never know what he's going to say when he gets that...look.  I decide to tread gently, just in case I need to hide the knives, because I'll never forget his "epiphany" when he decided my chef's knife should be used for everything (resulting in stitches).

An epiphany?

Yes. I really am a geek.  I ... belong ... with the geeks.

Ahh, another proud mom moment. I do love that boy.

He's dreaming about math!

I tap on his door gently to wake him up at around 10:30 a.m. He told me he does not want to sleep all day; he's got homework to do before he goes to work at 4. 

Hey, kiddo, it's time to wake up. 

He yawns, stretches, and then gets this wild-eyed, panicked look...

IT'S COMING ALONG SOON! IT'S COMING ALONG SOON!

Ummm...it's coming along soon?

YES! IT'S COMING ALONG SOON!

What's coming along soon?

2√2y!  (Pronounced, "2 root 2 y")

Errrr... 2√2y is coming along soon?

YES! IT'S COMING! ALONG! SOON! 

There is another long pause, and then he looks at me angrily...

You have NO idea what I'm talking about, DO you?!

Sweetie, do YOU know what you're talking about? 

There is another pause, and then the confusion clears...

Oh.My.God. It's that DAMN MATH PROBLEM I've been working on all night!!!

I couldn't help myself. I just burst out laughing. 

HE'S DREAMING ABOUT MATH! 

I couldn't be more proud.

He's grown up too fast.

Ian and I went to the DMV today and got his learner's permit. I have so many mixed feelings about it...

Where did the time go? Wasn't it just last week he was 3# 9oz and struggling to breathe? Or yesterday that he broke his elbow playing touch football? All of a sudden, he's driving and graduating from high school.

Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.

Haiku

Gently falling snow

Tiny crystals of courage

He will be home soon

Positivity

Facebook post from John Tesh

Fambly

The family resemblance always takes me by surprise

Enabling Behavior

Alcoholism and addition are family diseases; they affect not only the user, but his family as well.  As part of Ian's recovery program, twice a month I have a joint counseling session with Ian and his counselor, Shannon. We had our second session this week. The purpose, in the long run, is to recognize and change our behaviors that may have resulted in Ian being able to use and abuse substances.

One of the behaviors she mentioned is "enabling". Our conversation was moving at a rapid pace, and I did not stop her to ask for specifics. I decided to do some internet research and, as luck would have it, my brother called me. 

I told Mike I don't really understand what Shannon meant by enabling. It has to be more than just having alcohol and prescription medication in my home. He pointed out something to me I had not thought of. In an effort to bring up my son differently than the way I was brought up, I can be very lenient. While I don't necessarily believe Ian always tells me the truth, I am very willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. When he came to me with those bloodshot eyes and told me they were red because he was tired, I should have asked a whole lot more questions. And been skeptical of the answers. 

The definition of 'enabling behaviors' is, in a nutshell, behaviors that enable an addict's ability to use.  For example, if I didn't let Ian suffer consequences for his actions, or if I always provided an 'out' instead of letting him clean up his own mess, I could have been enabling him. Neither of those applies to me, so I kept digging.

Psychology Today had an interesting blog post on the difference between empowering and enabling, and identifying enabling behavior. The article can be found here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-anatomy-addiction/201207/are-you-empowering-or-enabling. 

I have to admit I am a peacekeeper.  While I'm not 'fearful' that something I do or don't do may result in an adverse result, I will do everything in my power to try to keep everyone happy. While I don't assign blame to others for problems, I very often take blame on myself, whether or not I own it, ultimately to keep the peace. And I do consistently put the needs and wants of others over my own, also in an effort to keep peace. I think I learned these behaviors in childhood, they are such a part of who I am. 

As my Steven says, 'You're at a nine or a ten, Bunny. We need you to dial it back to ... about a six.' I am going to try to think before automatically trying to soothe. It's not going to be easy, and I might have to live with some conflict, but some conflict is necessary in life. If I can get control over the part of me that enables, both my son and I will be healthier for it.

Drugs, Alcohol, and Addiction: Good-bye, 2015. I will not miss you.

A lot has gone on with Ian since I last posted, most of it being somewhere between the Bad and the Ugly. This is the abridged version...we've had too many discussions and arguments to go into all of it here. 2015 did not end up being a good year for us.

During the summer of 2014, before his 14^th birthday, Ian discovered marijuana. Some people like it, some don’t. Ian loved it, to the point of abusing it daily. I didn’t recognize the signs.It was going on right under my nose, and I didn't see it.

I came home one day, during that summer when he was too old for day care and too young for a job, and his eyes were so bloodshot it was unbelievable. I asked him, “What on earth is wrong with your eyes?!” to which he replied, “Oh, Momma, I’m just so tired.” “Go take a nap for heaven’s sake!”  

The number of times I’ve kicked myself since that day cannot be counted.

About a month later, we were in the car. He turned off the radio and said, “Mom, I’ve got to talk to you. I’ve been lying to you.” That began a dialogue describing his drug use. I got him into substance abuse counseling as soon as I could. He was tested weekly, and in June of 2015, he had been clean for three months. I was so proud of him. I thought we had put it behind us.

Unfortunately, while marijuana stays in the body for a while, alcohol doesn’t. He began drinking. And I was blissfully ignorant. Right under my nose, and I didn't see it.

I had been on wine tours and had about 2.5 cases of different bottles of wine in a cubby, out of sight. I never checked on it…where would it go? I went into my cubby to get a bottle of wine near the end of October, and I had 11 bottles there. I confronted him. What happened to my wine? He claimed he did not know. Perhaps one of the friends he had over had helped themselves. I took him to counseling that evening.

The next morning, I checked my cubby again. Ten bottles left. No one had been over, and we hadn’t gone anywhere. I flat out accused him of lying, and he continually denied it until I began to doubt myself. Finally, I laid down an ultimatum.

This is my home. MY home. You cannot do drugs and alcohol and live in MY home. If you continue to do drugs and alcohol, I will find somewhere else for you to live. Are we clear?

Yes. 

You will not live in this house. You will live somewhere else. You will NOT live in my home. Do you understand?

Yes.

You will stop your substance use, ALL your substance use, or you will lose your home. Do you understand?

Yes, Momma. I understand.

One week later, I went into his bedroom to get my charger, which is never where I leave it. It was caught on something under his bed. I looked under his bed, and there were five empty wine bottles and three empty beer bottles. I went back to my cubby, which in retrospect I should have emptied right away, and there were only 9 bottles of wine left. At his substance abuse counseling appointment that evening, he tested positive for THC again.

I made calls and on November 29^th, the day after Thanksgiving, I admitted him to the Renaissance Center, where he will be for at least six months.

I’m learning a lot, an education I neither expected nor wanted. I am receiving counseling as well, because I need to know what I need to change, both about myself and my home, so that I do not continue to enable his use. While I have attended Al-Anon meetings and have learned the three C's (I did not cause it; I cannot control it; I cannot cure it.) I know that I own a part of this. I have much to learn.

 

The Sea Cadet and His Mom

Salt Lake Snow

We visited the Bonneville Salt Flats near Salt Lake City, Utah. I was astounded by the landscape - I had never before seen land so flat for so far. Amazing.

At the Salt Flats, we stopped to see a vehicle that was being built and tested by a university. We didn't get to see the car run, but Ian and I did have a photo op. Amazing how the salt looked, and felt, just like snow in 30 degree temperatures. It was somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 degrees when this photo was taken.

We had to taste the salt. Had to. You know what? It tasted just like salt!

Ian and I beside the rental car at the Bonneville Salt Flats

His Sense of Humor

I do love that boy!

The Melting Pot

I received a gift card to the Melting Pot for Christmas, so I took Ian to dinner. The food there is incredible. This is the White Chocolate and Banana fondue, which was positively sinful.

Ian's First High School Dance

Ariel and Ian

 

Ian Was Here

Some of my Favorite Ian-in-Seattle Pictures

Compliments Keep Me Going.

I received a compliment yesterday that made me feel great! Between student teaching, working, raising my son, and trying to keep my home from turning into a disaster area from neglect, I do get a bit tired and down-trodden. 

My weekly journal entry for my student teaching segment was, "Reflect on how you are balancing teaching with your daily life and family. What are you doing (or what could you be doing) to take care of yourself and make it through demonstration teaching in a strong way? Based on your experience so far, describe any adjustments you could make to help the second half of your DT experiences go even more smoothly."  

Go even more smoothly?HA! I need to meet their pharmacist!  This is what I wrote in response: 

Adjustments? Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha! My typical week goes like this: 

Monday thru Friday: Up at 5:00 a.m. Shower, dress, have a cup of coffee while packing our lunch and dinner for the day, wake up the Boy Child and address his needs (I am a single mom), review lesson plan for the day, make the 3x5 card as my guide, leave at 7, arrive at school at 7:15, leave school at 3:30, pick up the Boy Child, go to work, arrive at work by 4:15, work until 9:15, go home, make sure lesson plan is in place for next day and if not, draft it with the appropriate worksheets, fall into bed completely exhausted and generally still completely dressed at 11.

Saturday: Up at 6:00 a.m. Shower, dress, have a cup of coffee while scribbling a grocery list for the following week, wake up the Boy Child, start lesson planning for following week, be at work by 10 with the Boy Child, leave work at 11:45 to take Boy Child to baseball camp, back at work by 12:05, leave work at 2:50 to pick up Boy Child from baseball camp, back at work by 3:10, order something to eat from someplace that delivers around 5, work until 10:30 p.m. (or later, if I need to put in more than 12.5 hours on the weekend to make my total hours at work 37.5), go home, fall into bed completely exhausted and generally still completely dressed between 11 p.m. and 1 a.m., depending on how long I had to work.

Sunday: Up at 7:00 a.m. because by Sunday, I can’t get up at 5 or 6. Grab a cup of coffee and get laundry started, plan lessons for the week including worksheets and tests, eat whatever Boy Child prepares when he gets up and then quickly shop for groceries, prepare and freeze sandwiches for lunches/dinners for the week; get journal entry done for SGAK in Taskstream, respond to weekly discussion in edTPA community, finish lesson planning for week, fall into bed completely exhausted at 10.

Adjustment? Somewhere in here I have to cram writing my edTPA. It’s not going to get any better until the middle of May when I am done student teaching, unless somewhere, somehow, more hours get put into a day.  I cannot quit my job, or even take a leave of absence. If I don’t work, I don’t get paid. If I don’t get paid, the bills don’t get paid and we can’t eat and end up homeless. Homeless people generally do not have laptop computers and access to the internet, so obtaining my education would come to a screeching halt. Furthermore, test results are in, and it is discovered my son has a learning disability. He helps me how he can, but has needs of his own.

My son is doing the housecleaning, shoveling, taking out the trash, all of the things we did together before I started student teaching. He is on board and knows this situation is temporary.  It is what it is. The fact that this situation is temporary is what is getting my son and me through it. We can do anything as long as we know it won’t last forever. 

My mentor's response was great:   

WOW! You really have this down to a science...time management at its best! I totally understand that this is a stressful time in the life of a student teacher and that sometimes family takes second place. But this will soon pass and things will get back to semi normality - whatever that is. ;-) Hang in there!

I will, Denise. I sure will. Although my friends and family think I'm absolutely bonkers for wanting to teach math - to middle school kids, no less! - it is my dream, my goal, and my purpose. I will make it happen.