Einstein Quote

"Any fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction." 

I am amazing.

One of the good things that has come out of Ian's poor choices is that I've gotten back into counseling to help myself.

I truly am amazing.

That doesn't come from a king-of-the-mountain standpoint. It's taken me time to get here. I've come to the realization that I have endured many traumas and hardships, and they have made me stronger. Even though I came close a few times, I didn't cave, resign, or flat-out quit.

I learned. I grew courage and resilience.

I've made a safe place for myself and made decisions to improve myself and my life. All of this I've done with a background and childhood that were less than desirable. I have people that love me and support me, even when they disagree with me.

I deserve healthy relationships. I deserve safety and security. I deserve the better life I am creating for myself. I'm not perfect, but I am me. I am authentic and real.

I am finally getting to a place where I not only know these things intellectually, but believe them emotionally.

Steven told me a few months ago that I'm 'one tough bunny', and it made me uncomfortable, because I didn't feel so tough. I think, though, that toughness is in doing the right thing, standing up for myself, and allowing myself to feel.

I'm going to be okay. Us amazing beings don't wither.

Positivity

Facebook post from John Tesh

Nicole and Steve's Wedding

The first time we went to an occasion and weren't "Mr and Mrs Tabor" or "Mr and Mrs Burton".

Steven is so good at formal occasions. I never know what to do or where to go.  We actually danced together first time ever, and probably the last time ever. It is official - I cannot dance.

Coloring

Fambly

The family resemblance always takes me by surprise

For My Seester

My sister asked if I would make her an afghan, something light for spring, maybe with flowers? I've started it:

Manicure!

I was doing a little Amazon surfing and ran across 'mood' nail polish. As the temperature of your hands cools or warms, the color of the nail polish changes. I checked with Sue to see if she thought it would work, and although it is not a brand she had heard of, if I bought it, we'd try it.

Well, it works a treat! The brand is DIY Hard Polish, and the color is 'pink galaxy'. When my hands are cold, the polish is very dark, but as my hands warm up, it turns to hot pink. Very Cool!!!

My Little Cousin in Color Guard

So proud of my little cousin! She has come so far in just two short years, 

and watching her it is obvious she loves what she does.

Me and My Big Brother

About 30 years ago

There's a Bathroom on the Right

I do know how to screw up lyrics. This song came on the  radio today, and I had to laugh. 

I remember wondering...

Why are they singing about the bathroom on the right? 

How do they KNOW?

Look! An unsolicited comment about my cooking!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Roses from Steven. :) He is so good to me.

Baby, It's COLD outside!

So hard to imaging Pitchers and Catchers reporting when the weather is this cold!

Awww...

Hanging on the board when I came back from lunch

I don't like guns. Just sayin'.

I think it is important to be educated. My brother, in his infinite wisdom, suggested I look into classes for Ian to keep him busy, but I thought, hey, why not classes for me? 

I signed up for the Village of Kenmore Citizen Police Academy. For eleven weeks, I, with 12 other people, will learn about various aspects of the Kenmore Police Officer's duties and their service in the community. 

Last week, the detective in charge of the Juvenile Division gave a presentation. He brought in a couple boxes of paraphernalia the police have taken off of kids in the Village. I kid you not, I didn't know what better than half of the items even were. 

This week was our week for the gun range. We learned about gun safety, and then we were set up with short video scenarios where we, while using guns loaded with five paint bullets, had to decide to shoot or not shoot. I took three shots and told the police officer I was done. He looked surprised, then he laughed, and he took the gun away. 

Then came the real gun with the real bullets. Much louder, and much more nerve-wracking. Everyone was given five bullets to shoot at a paper target. I shot the gun once, gave it back to the police officer, told him I was done. "I don't like this. I really don't like this." He laughed again and said it's not for everybody. 

That was an understatement. I hated every minute of it. Hated. Every. Minute. The noise, the power, the recoil, and the thought of the immense, grave responsibility that comes with pulling that trigger. And did I mention the noise? I don't want it. Any of it. 

Wearing mandatory safety glasses and ear protection.

Do I 'hate' guns? No. I see and understand the need, and I am thankful there are people who serve that are not frightened by them, who think fast enough to be able to use one properly, and who keep me free and safe. 

I just know I should not own one, at least not now. I do not know enough, and I may never know enough, to be able to own one safely and without fear. I know that is not the kind of power that, in this moment in time, I feel I ever want to have. I also know that someday I may change my mind and decide to get more training and more education on gun use and safety. Not now, though. Not now.

Superbowl 50

Superbowl 50 is in the books. 

Carolina Panthers     10

Denver Broncos        24

Yes, I was rooting for the old guy.

Congratulations, Peyton Manning and the Broncos Nation! 

Superbowl Prediction

Steven? 

Bunny?

Who do you think will win the Superbowl?

Well, he says, in that introspective way men have when they discuss matters of great importance, Carolina is the 6 point favorite.

Oh! So Denver is going to win!

(Laughing) Yep. Can't help but root for the old guy.

He makes me Laugh

Steven sent me a series of texts, a story of intrigue and suspense.
 

Stealthily he moves through the woods...

Fear grips his heart as a twig snaps...

He freezes, his heart racing...

Silence

He breathes a sigh of relief...

His companion looks at him questioningly

He whispers...

"Shhhhhhhhhhh...

"Here there be Bunnies!" 

Enabling Behavior

Alcoholism and addition are family diseases; they affect not only the user, but his family as well.  As part of Ian's recovery program, twice a month I have a joint counseling session with Ian and his counselor, Shannon. We had our second session this week. The purpose, in the long run, is to recognize and change our behaviors that may have resulted in Ian being able to use and abuse substances.

One of the behaviors she mentioned is "enabling". Our conversation was moving at a rapid pace, and I did not stop her to ask for specifics. I decided to do some internet research and, as luck would have it, my brother called me. 

I told Mike I don't really understand what Shannon meant by enabling. It has to be more than just having alcohol and prescription medication in my home. He pointed out something to me I had not thought of. In an effort to bring up my son differently than the way I was brought up, I can be very lenient. While I don't necessarily believe Ian always tells me the truth, I am very willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. When he came to me with those bloodshot eyes and told me they were red because he was tired, I should have asked a whole lot more questions. And been skeptical of the answers. 

The definition of 'enabling behaviors' is, in a nutshell, behaviors that enable an addict's ability to use.  For example, if I didn't let Ian suffer consequences for his actions, or if I always provided an 'out' instead of letting him clean up his own mess, I could have been enabling him. Neither of those applies to me, so I kept digging.

Psychology Today had an interesting blog post on the difference between empowering and enabling, and identifying enabling behavior. The article can be found here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-anatomy-addiction/201207/are-you-empowering-or-enabling. 

I have to admit I am a peacekeeper.  While I'm not 'fearful' that something I do or don't do may result in an adverse result, I will do everything in my power to try to keep everyone happy. While I don't assign blame to others for problems, I very often take blame on myself, whether or not I own it, ultimately to keep the peace. And I do consistently put the needs and wants of others over my own, also in an effort to keep peace. I think I learned these behaviors in childhood, they are such a part of who I am. 

As my Steven says, 'You're at a nine or a ten, Bunny. We need you to dial it back to ... about a six.' I am going to try to think before automatically trying to soothe. It's not going to be easy, and I might have to live with some conflict, but some conflict is necessary in life. If I can get control over the part of me that enables, both my son and I will be healthier for it.