I woke up this morning feeling sad. It was an awful day at work yesterday, it's raining, it's getting cooler, summer is over.
Perhaps I need mornings like these to fully appreciate happy days? Still, I'd rather do without.
Michael said...
“It was an awful day at work yesterday, it's raining, it's getting cooler, summer is over… and my mom died a few months ago.”
No matter how complicated your relationship with your mother was, it is still a powerful loss as an unconcious reminder of mortality and our individual solitude on the planet.
And death is final. All hope, however closely held or carefully hidden from yourself, is over. There will be no reconciliation, no understanding, no happier outcome, no forgiveness, no welcome, no acceptance, no validation. The door is closed.
These are emotional awarenesses, not rational ones, and I think the heart holds desires that the mind fiercely denies.
I think some of your sadness is the leakage of a small, vulnerable child crying for her mommy.
Serena said:
You know, I didn't think of that. You are are probably very right, especially since just your comment brought tears to my eyes.
I am finding writing somewhat cathartic. My first 'paper' for my English Comp class is to write four to five pages about someone who has had an influence on me, either postive or negative. I started to write about mom, and ended up writing about me. You'll see it here when it's done. I'm in rough draft right now.
Michael said...
In a related vein, when I wrote the Ocean Blue post http://lensbrushquill.blogspot.com/2006/07/ocean-blue.html
I should have been more direct, I guess. I should have simply said, “I’m having a hard time coping with all of this loss, but I know there is nothing anyone can do to help."
Serena said ...
I read that shortly after you posted it and wept. It may have been the first time I cried since mom died. I think you were direct. You expressed so well what we go through, and you're right. No one can help.
I wonder if our situation is different from those of many other people. A friend of mine told me, "I don't know what I'll do when my mom passes. I'll be a mess!" I don't feel a mess. I'm sad. We never will have what we needed and wanted . . . to be loved, unconditionally, and accepted, without judgment or caustic comment. That, in and of itself, is sad.
As you put it so well, "The heart’s deepest wish is to lovingly bonded, and the soul’s deepest need is to be understood." I wish...
