Enabling Behavior

Alcoholism and addition are family diseases; they affect not only the user, but his family as well.  As part of Ian's recovery program, twice a month I have a joint counseling session with Ian and his counselor, Shannon. We had our second session this week. The purpose, in the long run, is to recognize and change our behaviors that may have resulted in Ian being able to use and abuse substances.

One of the behaviors she mentioned is "enabling". Our conversation was moving at a rapid pace, and I did not stop her to ask for specifics. I decided to do some internet research and, as luck would have it, my brother called me. 

I told Mike I don't really understand what Shannon meant by enabling. It has to be more than just having alcohol and prescription medication in my home. He pointed out something to me I had not thought of. In an effort to bring up my son differently than the way I was brought up, I can be very lenient. While I don't necessarily believe Ian always tells me the truth, I am very willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. When he came to me with those bloodshot eyes and told me they were red because he was tired, I should have asked a whole lot more questions. And been skeptical of the answers. 

The definition of 'enabling behaviors' is, in a nutshell, behaviors that enable an addict's ability to use.  For example, if I didn't let Ian suffer consequences for his actions, or if I always provided an 'out' instead of letting him clean up his own mess, I could have been enabling him. Neither of those applies to me, so I kept digging.

Psychology Today had an interesting blog post on the difference between empowering and enabling, and identifying enabling behavior. The article can be found here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-anatomy-addiction/201207/are-you-empowering-or-enabling. 

I have to admit I am a peacekeeper.  While I'm not 'fearful' that something I do or don't do may result in an adverse result, I will do everything in my power to try to keep everyone happy. While I don't assign blame to others for problems, I very often take blame on myself, whether or not I own it, ultimately to keep the peace. And I do consistently put the needs and wants of others over my own, also in an effort to keep peace. I think I learned these behaviors in childhood, they are such a part of who I am. 

As my Steven says, 'You're at a nine or a ten, Bunny. We need you to dial it back to ... about a six.' I am going to try to think before automatically trying to soothe. It's not going to be easy, and I might have to live with some conflict, but some conflict is necessary in life. If I can get control over the part of me that enables, both my son and I will be healthier for it.

Cheeeeeeeseburger....

I do love cheeseburgers. My absolute favorite can't be bought in a restaurant. Steven calls them his "fat boys", and they are amazing. Steven's secret burger recipe, American cheese, ketchup and mayo on a bun. Yuuummmm!

Hero Certified Burgers on Elmwood Avenue is really good. They have a different menu that includes ciabatta rolls and sweet potato fries. We need to go back there again. I forgot to put my shoes on before I left the house when we went there, so Hero has become known as the cheeseburger place where I wore my puppy slippers. No one noticed, but I had a severe case of the giggles.

Five Guys in the Target Plaza on Delaware Avenue is good, too, but I think they are a bit more expensive than Hero. Not only do I like their cheeseburgers, but their fries are great as well. They post on the wall where their potatoes are from each day. The only thing I don't like about Five Guys is that they're not big on turning up the heat. It's always so cold in there!

Let us not forget Red Robin Gourmet Burgers on Maple Road. They have all different burger varieties. My favorite is the Bleu Ribbon Burger, which is a burger with onion straws, lettuce, tomato, bleu cheese, and a spicy mayo.

I'm hungry!

Handmade Ornament

Handmade Ornament

Drugs, Alcohol, and Addiction: Good-bye, 2015. I will not miss you.

A lot has gone on with Ian since I last posted, most of it being somewhere between the Bad and the Ugly. This is the abridged version...we've had too many discussions and arguments to go into all of it here. 2015 did not end up being a good year for us.

During the summer of 2014, before his 14^th birthday, Ian discovered marijuana. Some people like it, some don’t. Ian loved it, to the point of abusing it daily. I didn’t recognize the signs.It was going on right under my nose, and I didn't see it.

I came home one day, during that summer when he was too old for day care and too young for a job, and his eyes were so bloodshot it was unbelievable. I asked him, “What on earth is wrong with your eyes?!” to which he replied, “Oh, Momma, I’m just so tired.” “Go take a nap for heaven’s sake!”  

The number of times I’ve kicked myself since that day cannot be counted.

About a month later, we were in the car. He turned off the radio and said, “Mom, I’ve got to talk to you. I’ve been lying to you.” That began a dialogue describing his drug use. I got him into substance abuse counseling as soon as I could. He was tested weekly, and in June of 2015, he had been clean for three months. I was so proud of him. I thought we had put it behind us.

Unfortunately, while marijuana stays in the body for a while, alcohol doesn’t. He began drinking. And I was blissfully ignorant. Right under my nose, and I didn't see it.

I had been on wine tours and had about 2.5 cases of different bottles of wine in a cubby, out of sight. I never checked on it…where would it go? I went into my cubby to get a bottle of wine near the end of October, and I had 11 bottles there. I confronted him. What happened to my wine? He claimed he did not know. Perhaps one of the friends he had over had helped themselves. I took him to counseling that evening.

The next morning, I checked my cubby again. Ten bottles left. No one had been over, and we hadn’t gone anywhere. I flat out accused him of lying, and he continually denied it until I began to doubt myself. Finally, I laid down an ultimatum.

This is my home. MY home. You cannot do drugs and alcohol and live in MY home. If you continue to do drugs and alcohol, I will find somewhere else for you to live. Are we clear?

Yes. 

You will not live in this house. You will live somewhere else. You will NOT live in my home. Do you understand?

Yes.

You will stop your substance use, ALL your substance use, or you will lose your home. Do you understand?

Yes, Momma. I understand.

One week later, I went into his bedroom to get my charger, which is never where I leave it. It was caught on something under his bed. I looked under his bed, and there were five empty wine bottles and three empty beer bottles. I went back to my cubby, which in retrospect I should have emptied right away, and there were only 9 bottles of wine left. At his substance abuse counseling appointment that evening, he tested positive for THC again.

I made calls and on November 29^th, the day after Thanksgiving, I admitted him to the Renaissance Center, where he will be for at least six months.

I’m learning a lot, an education I neither expected nor wanted. I am receiving counseling as well, because I need to know what I need to change, both about myself and my home, so that I do not continue to enable his use. While I have attended Al-Anon meetings and have learned the three C's (I did not cause it; I cannot control it; I cannot cure it.) I know that I own a part of this. I have much to learn.