sent to me by my brother, I don't know who wrote it.
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what peace there may be in apathy.
As far as possible be on good terms with all persons and be prepared to surrender your ideals in order to find acceptance from others.
Speak your truth clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too may be rich and powerful.
Do not extend yourself; those who reach out are easily hurt. Accept the life-style you are handed.
System-bucking is uneconomic and unwise, considering all you have to look forward to.
In an ever-changing world, strive to be the same. Be yourself, whatever that means.
Especially avoid affection. No one likes a sook.
Do not distress yourself searching for answers to deep questions of self-examination.
Be content with emotional charges from occasional religious activities.
Keep your religion, whatever you conceive it to be, separate from your mind.
There is comfort to be found in vagueness. Avoid the enthusiastic, their feelings may be contagious.
Beyond an occasional discipline, don’t push yourself.
Reject kindly the counsel of the aged and experienced. They are well-meaning but things are different these days. Still, humour them - as you too may be old one day.
You are a child of the system. No less than a credit card, you have a right to be here.
And, whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as your perceptions will allow it.
Whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life let not prejudice and fear break down your walls of contentment.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; selfishness, corruption and self-defeating internal wars, emptiness, disappointment, carelessness and hate, fear, persecution, home-spun comforting philosophy and people, it is still a beautiful contract.
Be carefree; strive to be vapid; pushback when ready.
Go placidly amid the noise and the waste and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet & passive persons unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself & heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys; know what to kiss & when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted that in the face of all aridity & disillusionment & despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance. Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle & mutilate.
Know yourself; if you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you -- that lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face.
Gracefully surrender the things of youth, birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan; & let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time, call 606-4311; ask for Ken. Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese; & reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee.
You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here, & whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.
Therefore make peace with your God whatever you conceive Him to be -- Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises, & urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate. Give up.
Copyright © National Lampoon. Written by Tony Hendra.
