I love these kids!

For the holiday, I assembled treat bags for the kids with little things Melissa and I bought for them. We gave them a jingle bell, a candy cane, a pencil with two little erasers, a sticky hand, and a coloring book. We decided that, because of the low attendance today, we would show them a movie and give math a break.

7A, my SPED class, was the one I thought would be the most crazy. Instead, they opened their treat bags quietly, ate their candy canes, and enjoyed Beethoven's Christmas Adventure. They even said thank you as they were leaving the classroom!

7B, my gifted group, was the one I thought would be the quietest. Wrong again. The sticky hands were almost immediately flying in all directions as they tried to pull other student's belongings away from them, tried to stick them on the ceiling, tried to stick them in each other's hair... The Santa Clause was just background noise for happy shenanigans. I thought they were a riot, but Melissa was not amused. Probably a good thing...they would have been out of control all period, and I'd have been right along with them. :D

7C, my English language learners, was the group I was unsure of. A high percentage of the group follows the path of Islam, so I had a back-up coloring sheet in case they had religious objection to a Christmas movie and gift. I need not have worried. Some seemed to get the biggest kick out of the candy canes, eating it from both ends. As a whole, they initially preferred coloring in the little holiday coloring books in their treat bags to watching the movie , but then quickly realized they could grab each other's coloring books with the sticky hands. I probably shouldn't have let them get away with it, but hey, it's the last day of school before break, and I'm tired. :D

It's funny how this job is working out for me. I don't think I've ever worked so hard or for so many hours, but I feel like I'm making a difference. It's fulfilling, enjoyable, and worth every minute.

I have finally found my purpose.

For my ENL (ESL or ELL) students

I have quite a few students who are learning English as a second (or fifth) language. While the signs in math are similar or the same, they struggle with the words.

As a basic cheat sheet, I made 3 x 3 cards out of construction paper:

I then laminated them ... :

and then hole-punched a corner and put in a binder ring so they can keep them in their math notebooks:

I hope this helps them! One of my students has only been in this country for about 4 months, so now he is not only learning a new language in a new culture, he is learning math in a new language in a new culture. I can't imagine how difficult this must be.

I Got the Job!

Say hello to the new 7th grade Math teacher for the Buffalo Academy of Science! I am so excited and scared and nervous and excited...

I am about to begin a big adventure, a new chapter in the story of my life. It's going to be interesting, fun, frustrating, challenging, and much different from the typical day I am used to. I am looking forward to it.

And I am determined to be the best darn math teacher I can be.

Einstein Quote

"Any fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction." 

I am amazing.

One of the good things that has come out of Ian's poor choices is that I've gotten back into counseling to help myself.

I truly am amazing.

That doesn't come from a king-of-the-mountain standpoint. It's taken me time to get here. I've come to the realization that I have endured many traumas and hardships, and they have made me stronger. Even though I came close a few times, I didn't cave, resign, or flat-out quit.

I learned. I grew courage and resilience.

I've made a safe place for myself and made decisions to improve myself and my life. All of this I've done with a background and childhood that were less than desirable. I have people that love me and support me, even when they disagree with me.

I deserve healthy relationships. I deserve safety and security. I deserve the better life I am creating for myself. I'm not perfect, but I am me. I am authentic and real.

I am finally getting to a place where I not only know these things intellectually, but believe them emotionally.

Steven told me a few months ago that I'm 'one tough bunny', and it made me uncomfortable, because I didn't feel so tough. I think, though, that toughness is in doing the right thing, standing up for myself, and allowing myself to feel.

I'm going to be okay. Us amazing beings don't wither.

Positivity

Facebook post from John Tesh

Nicole and Steve's Wedding

The first time we went to an occasion and weren't "Mr and Mrs Tabor" or "Mr and Mrs Burton".

Steven is so good at formal occasions. I never know what to do or where to go.  We actually danced together first time ever, and probably the last time ever. It is official - I cannot dance.

Coloring

Fambly

The family resemblance always takes me by surprise

For My Seester

My sister asked if I would make her an afghan, something light for spring, maybe with flowers? I've started it:

Manicure!

I was doing a little Amazon surfing and ran across 'mood' nail polish. As the temperature of your hands cools or warms, the color of the nail polish changes. I checked with Sue to see if she thought it would work, and although it is not a brand she had heard of, if I bought it, we'd try it.

Well, it works a treat! The brand is DIY Hard Polish, and the color is 'pink galaxy'. When my hands are cold, the polish is very dark, but as my hands warm up, it turns to hot pink. Very Cool!!!

My Little Cousin in Color Guard

So proud of my little cousin! She has come so far in just two short years, 

and watching her it is obvious she loves what she does.

Me and My Big Brother

About 30 years ago

There's a Bathroom on the Right

I do know how to screw up lyrics. This song came on the  radio today, and I had to laugh. 

I remember wondering...

Why are they singing about the bathroom on the right? 

How do they KNOW?

Look! An unsolicited comment about my cooking!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Roses from Steven. :) He is so good to me.

Baby, It's COLD outside!

So hard to imaging Pitchers and Catchers reporting when the weather is this cold!

Awww...

Hanging on the board when I came back from lunch

I don't like guns. Just sayin'.

I think it is important to be educated. My brother, in his infinite wisdom, suggested I look into classes for Ian to keep him busy, but I thought, hey, why not classes for me? 

I signed up for the Village of Kenmore Citizen Police Academy. For eleven weeks, I, with 12 other people, will learn about various aspects of the Kenmore Police Officer's duties and their service in the community. 

Last week, the detective in charge of the Juvenile Division gave a presentation. He brought in a couple boxes of paraphernalia the police have taken off of kids in the Village. I kid you not, I didn't know what better than half of the items even were. 

This week was our week for the gun range. We learned about gun safety, and then we were set up with short video scenarios where we, while using guns loaded with five paint bullets, had to decide to shoot or not shoot. I took three shots and told the police officer I was done. He looked surprised, then he laughed, and he took the gun away. 

Then came the real gun with the real bullets. Much louder, and much more nerve-wracking. Everyone was given five bullets to shoot at a paper target. I shot the gun once, gave it back to the police officer, told him I was done. "I don't like this. I really don't like this." He laughed again and said it's not for everybody. 

That was an understatement. I hated every minute of it. Hated. Every. Minute. The noise, the power, the recoil, and the thought of the immense, grave responsibility that comes with pulling that trigger. And did I mention the noise? I don't want it. Any of it. 

Wearing mandatory safety glasses and ear protection.

Do I 'hate' guns? No. I see and understand the need, and I am thankful there are people who serve that are not frightened by them, who think fast enough to be able to use one properly, and who keep me free and safe. 

I just know I should not own one, at least not now. I do not know enough, and I may never know enough, to be able to own one safely and without fear. I know that is not the kind of power that, in this moment in time, I feel I ever want to have. I also know that someday I may change my mind and decide to get more training and more education on gun use and safety. Not now, though. Not now.

Superbowl 50

Superbowl 50 is in the books. 

Carolina Panthers     10

Denver Broncos        24

Yes, I was rooting for the old guy.

Congratulations, Peyton Manning and the Broncos Nation! 

Superbowl Prediction

Steven? 

Bunny?

Who do you think will win the Superbowl?

Well, he says, in that introspective way men have when they discuss matters of great importance, Carolina is the 6 point favorite.

Oh! So Denver is going to win!

(Laughing) Yep. Can't help but root for the old guy.

He makes me Laugh

Steven sent me a series of texts, a story of intrigue and suspense.
 

Stealthily he moves through the woods...

Fear grips his heart as a twig snaps...

He freezes, his heart racing...

Silence

He breathes a sigh of relief...

His companion looks at him questioningly

He whispers...

"Shhhhhhhhhhh...

"Here there be Bunnies!" 

Enabling Behavior

Alcoholism and addition are family diseases; they affect not only the user, but his family as well.  As part of Ian's recovery program, twice a month I have a joint counseling session with Ian and his counselor, Shannon. We had our second session this week. The purpose, in the long run, is to recognize and change our behaviors that may have resulted in Ian being able to use and abuse substances.

One of the behaviors she mentioned is "enabling". Our conversation was moving at a rapid pace, and I did not stop her to ask for specifics. I decided to do some internet research and, as luck would have it, my brother called me. 

I told Mike I don't really understand what Shannon meant by enabling. It has to be more than just having alcohol and prescription medication in my home. He pointed out something to me I had not thought of. In an effort to bring up my son differently than the way I was brought up, I can be very lenient. While I don't necessarily believe Ian always tells me the truth, I am very willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. When he came to me with those bloodshot eyes and told me they were red because he was tired, I should have asked a whole lot more questions. And been skeptical of the answers. 

The definition of 'enabling behaviors' is, in a nutshell, behaviors that enable an addict's ability to use.  For example, if I didn't let Ian suffer consequences for his actions, or if I always provided an 'out' instead of letting him clean up his own mess, I could have been enabling him. Neither of those applies to me, so I kept digging.

Psychology Today had an interesting blog post on the difference between empowering and enabling, and identifying enabling behavior. The article can be found here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-anatomy-addiction/201207/are-you-empowering-or-enabling. 

I have to admit I am a peacekeeper.  While I'm not 'fearful' that something I do or don't do may result in an adverse result, I will do everything in my power to try to keep everyone happy. While I don't assign blame to others for problems, I very often take blame on myself, whether or not I own it, ultimately to keep the peace. And I do consistently put the needs and wants of others over my own, also in an effort to keep peace. I think I learned these behaviors in childhood, they are such a part of who I am. 

As my Steven says, 'You're at a nine or a ten, Bunny. We need you to dial it back to ... about a six.' I am going to try to think before automatically trying to soothe. It's not going to be easy, and I might have to live with some conflict, but some conflict is necessary in life. If I can get control over the part of me that enables, both my son and I will be healthier for it.

Cheeeeeeeseburger....

I do love cheeseburgers. My absolute favorite can't be bought in a restaurant. Steven calls them his "fat boys", and they are amazing. Steven's secret burger recipe, American cheese, ketchup and mayo on a bun. Yuuummmm!

Hero Certified Burgers on Elmwood Avenue is really good. They have a different menu that includes ciabatta rolls and sweet potato fries. We need to go back there again. I forgot to put my shoes on before I left the house when we went there, so Hero has become known as the cheeseburger place where I wore my puppy slippers. No one noticed, but I had a severe case of the giggles.

Five Guys in the Target Plaza on Delaware Avenue is good, too, but I think they are a bit more expensive than Hero. Not only do I like their cheeseburgers, but their fries are great as well. They post on the wall where their potatoes are from each day. The only thing I don't like about Five Guys is that they're not big on turning up the heat. It's always so cold in there!

Let us not forget Red Robin Gourmet Burgers on Maple Road. They have all different burger varieties. My favorite is the Bleu Ribbon Burger, which is a burger with onion straws, lettuce, tomato, bleu cheese, and a spicy mayo.

I'm hungry!

Handmade Ornament

Handmade Ornament

Drugs, Alcohol, and Addiction: Good-bye, 2015. I will not miss you.

A lot has gone on with Ian since I last posted, most of it being somewhere between the Bad and the Ugly. This is the abridged version...we've had too many discussions and arguments to go into all of it here. 2015 did not end up being a good year for us.

During the summer of 2014, before his 14^th birthday, Ian discovered marijuana. Some people like it, some don’t. Ian loved it, to the point of abusing it daily. I didn’t recognize the signs.It was going on right under my nose, and I didn't see it.

I came home one day, during that summer when he was too old for day care and too young for a job, and his eyes were so bloodshot it was unbelievable. I asked him, “What on earth is wrong with your eyes?!” to which he replied, “Oh, Momma, I’m just so tired.” “Go take a nap for heaven’s sake!”  

The number of times I’ve kicked myself since that day cannot be counted.

About a month later, we were in the car. He turned off the radio and said, “Mom, I’ve got to talk to you. I’ve been lying to you.” That began a dialogue describing his drug use. I got him into substance abuse counseling as soon as I could. He was tested weekly, and in June of 2015, he had been clean for three months. I was so proud of him. I thought we had put it behind us.

Unfortunately, while marijuana stays in the body for a while, alcohol doesn’t. He began drinking. And I was blissfully ignorant. Right under my nose, and I didn't see it.

I had been on wine tours and had about 2.5 cases of different bottles of wine in a cubby, out of sight. I never checked on it…where would it go? I went into my cubby to get a bottle of wine near the end of October, and I had 11 bottles there. I confronted him. What happened to my wine? He claimed he did not know. Perhaps one of the friends he had over had helped themselves. I took him to counseling that evening.

The next morning, I checked my cubby again. Ten bottles left. No one had been over, and we hadn’t gone anywhere. I flat out accused him of lying, and he continually denied it until I began to doubt myself. Finally, I laid down an ultimatum.

This is my home. MY home. You cannot do drugs and alcohol and live in MY home. If you continue to do drugs and alcohol, I will find somewhere else for you to live. Are we clear?

Yes. 

You will not live in this house. You will live somewhere else. You will NOT live in my home. Do you understand?

Yes.

You will stop your substance use, ALL your substance use, or you will lose your home. Do you understand?

Yes, Momma. I understand.

One week later, I went into his bedroom to get my charger, which is never where I leave it. It was caught on something under his bed. I looked under his bed, and there were five empty wine bottles and three empty beer bottles. I went back to my cubby, which in retrospect I should have emptied right away, and there were only 9 bottles of wine left. At his substance abuse counseling appointment that evening, he tested positive for THC again.

I made calls and on November 29^th, the day after Thanksgiving, I admitted him to the Renaissance Center, where he will be for at least six months.

I’m learning a lot, an education I neither expected nor wanted. I am receiving counseling as well, because I need to know what I need to change, both about myself and my home, so that I do not continue to enable his use. While I have attended Al-Anon meetings and have learned the three C's (I did not cause it; I cannot control it; I cannot cure it.) I know that I own a part of this. I have much to learn.

 

Things that make you go hmmm...

Must have been a slow day yesterday ... LOL!  

So I should reassure my friends I won't disappear? 

Be real. I'm not going anywhere. 

There are cheeseburgers and spinach to be had!

(And pizza. Let's not forget pizza.)

Bats!

Some things just make me laugh...Poor Steven.

The Sea Cadet and His Mom

Shining Through

I love how the sun shines through the clouds

Surrounded by Morning People

This has got to be one of my favorite pictures. My poor brother. Surrounded by the abomination of nature called Morning People.

Salt Lake Snow

We visited the Bonneville Salt Flats near Salt Lake City, Utah. I was astounded by the landscape - I had never before seen land so flat for so far. Amazing.

At the Salt Flats, we stopped to see a vehicle that was being built and tested by a university. We didn't get to see the car run, but Ian and I did have a photo op. Amazing how the salt looked, and felt, just like snow in 30 degree temperatures. It was somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 degrees when this photo was taken.

We had to taste the salt. Had to. You know what? It tasted just like salt!

Ian and I beside the rental car at the Bonneville Salt Flats

His Sense of Humor

I do love that boy!

Graduation

Graduation. The culmination of years of hard work, exhaustion, and a fair amount of tears. I did it. I earned my Masters degree in Mathematics Education.

But I didn't do it alone.

My brother Michael was a constant source of unwavering encouragement and support. Even though he lives on the other side of the country, I could not have done it without him. I've looked up to him since childhood; I have immense respect for him as an adult. When things go horribly wrong, Michael boosts me back up and offers objective advice to calm my emotional hailstorm. And when I've done something I think is stupid and I feel like I should turn in my Mensa membership card and tell them there's been a terrible mistake, Michael would probably tell me I'm right, which makes me laugh to recovery. Somehow he just instinctively knows what I need when I need it.  I love him, and when I grow up, I want to be just like him. But a female version with no chest hair. I cannot thank him enough. Worshiping him from afar will just have to do.

My son Ian was such a good kid through it all. When Mommy did her homework, Ian did his homework. And as he began evolving into a young man, he helped with chores to lighten my load. He's a better cook than I am. I love him as well. He changed my life for the better, although he'll never know how much until he has a child of his own. Just. Like. Him.

My mentors Karla and Annie were amazing during my time at WGU. They heard me laugh with joy and cry with frustration, kept me on track, and cut me slack when I needed it. They helped me when I struggled, and rejoiced in my successes. I got to meet them at my graduation. Their kindness, confidence and strength shines, and I am richer for having them in my life.

Wait to see what I can do as a middle school math teacher. Look out world!

Happy Valentine's Day to Me!

I do love fresh flowers. The smell is wonderful, the colors vibrant, and they just brighten my whole day.  I wish I was a better photographer, so I could do them justice.

They are happiness in a glass, and I can't help but smile every time I look at them. 

Thank you, Steven. 

I'm not sure what I did to deserve you, but it must have been something good.

The Melting Pot

I received a gift card to the Melting Pot for Christmas, so I took Ian to dinner. The food there is incredible. This is the White Chocolate and Banana fondue, which was positively sinful.

Ian's First High School Dance

Ariel and Ian

 

Put the Glass Down

Facebook has forever changed how I think about sharing. Sometimes I share because the post is funny, but sometimes because it is unbelievable in one way or another.  This one I thought had an excellent point, and I am sharing it with you here. 

Sixth Sense

I really enjoyed this movie. When young Cole finally fesses up to his Mom what is going on, I cried...

Seattle is going to the Superbowl!

Earlier this year, I watched an entire Bills game with a friend of mine. He was great. He even let me ask questions during the game! Anyway, I came away with a reasonable amount of basics and an understanding that there is a whole lot more to this game than I previously thought.

Now, from listening to the radio every morning, especially on a Monday morning following a Bills game, I've come to the understanding that they really aren't that good. So I caught the occasional game during the season to keep my hand in, so to speak, and never had any Superbowl hopes that Bills fans seem to have at the beginning of every season.

Besides, my brother lives in Seattle. If I'm going to root for a team, why not a good one in his hometown?

I have to say I surprised myself. I was so disappointed in the Seahawks for most of the game...interceptions, sacks, penalties...it appeared hopeless. I still, though, could not bring myself to root for the team whose fans wear Swiss cheese hats. I have my standards.

I don't know how, but they pulled it off. Seattle won in overtime and will be in Superbowl 49. Guess who I'm rooting for on Superbowl Sunday?

The Universe and Positivity

My friend Sue is an amazing source of self-help materials and is one of the most positive people I know. She recently told me about a new habit she started last year, which I am going to incorporate in my day as well. 

She believes that you have to keep an open mind to all things and make room in your life for positive things to come to you. Every morning, she receives a reminder text that she has set up with her niece:

"This is the Universe. Tell me what was great about yesterday, 

in writing, and I will send you more greatness today."  

She then jots down a note on a small piece of paper about something that was great about her day and puts it in a Mason jar. At the end of the year, she goes back through and reads her notes. She said it was fun to reminiscence, and it was very cool to see who made the jar. 

I started my Universe box today. So far, I feel very good about it. One can never be too positive. 

Painting with a Twist

Three friends and I went to Painting with a Twist for a girls night out. What fun! 

It's BYOB and snacks, and an instructor takes you step-by-step through painting a 'masterpiece'. I had a blast!

The Epitomy of Fluidity and Grace

All swollen, black and blue, and hurting like blue blazes. 

Saturday evening, I stumbled at my cousin's house while coming out of her garage. The cement pad of her garage and the blacktop of her driveway are slightly uneven, and I twisted my ankle a bit - not bad - and carried on.

Sunday morning, I tried to jump over a puddle, rolled my ankle, and completely wiped out. Both my knees are skinned and bruised, and my shoulder hurts where I hit that, too.  The ankle swelled a bit, but I could still walk on it.

Then Sunday evening, I missed the last step as I was coming down my stairs and rolled the ankle again.

It is possible to see stars.

I'm in an air cast for two weeks with crutches for one. Let's see how many things I can take out trying to get around on the crutches...

Dawn

I'm not that great a photographer, but every once in a while, 

something seems to me to be so striking, 

I grab my iPod and hope for the best.

I'm a Teacher.

Well, it's over. 

The late nights, early mornings, panic attacks, pop quizzes, pre- and post-assessments, student teaching, sleep deprivation, and (hopefully) spontaneous crying jags. 

I finished my last paper for my last course, and will officially graduate with my Masters in Mathematics Education in August of 2015. 

I can't really explain how I feel. I'm happy that I have finally accomplished what I set out to do, but I feel a strange sense of loss. 

I'm sure I'll sort myself out in time.

In the meantime, I have my professional educator's license in the State of Utah. I am (not so) patiently waiting for New York State to get around to reviewing my application for my initial certification here. They've only had everything they need, including receipt of the fee, since April, so perhaps I'm rushing things. 

Ian Was Here

Dad's First Visit to a Hospital for Himself ... or...How to Completely Freak Out Your Daughter

My phone rang at 7:00 a.m. this morning, but I was already driving, on my way to an early morning errand, and didn't answer it. I finished my errand, stopped for my daily morning coffee at Sunoco, and headed in to work. At 8:00 a.m., I pulled my phone out of my purse, and saw the call I missed was from my Dad. He left me a voice mail.

"Kelly, I think I have to go to the emergency room....um, in fact, I'm sure I have to go to the emergency room," at which point, the phone clattered on his desk, he fumbled with it, and hung up.

To say, "I freaked," would be an gross understatement.

I immediately called my Dad's house number. No answer. I called his cell. No answer. I called LaniMom's cell. No answer. For the next few minutes, I used the office phone and my cell phone to continuously re-dial Dad's cell, LaniMom's cell, Dad's house, DadcellMomcellhouseDadcellMomcellhouseWHATHOSPITALDAMMIT??? I hit the Internet and started calling emergency rooms. Mercy Hospital? Not there. MAC Center? Not there. ECMC? Not there. St. Joe's? Not there. Sisters? Not there. Millard Fillmore Suburban? Not there. Hit the Internet again for a list of Urgent Care Centers. MASH? Not there...

At 8:17, my sister managed to get through to my cell between calls. I answered, "WHERE IS HE?!?!?!" No 'Hello', at top of my lungs, full-fledged, crying hysterically, freak-out mode. Who knew I could be so pleasant to talk to?

Mercy Hospital. Apparently I called before he had arrived. He's vomiting blood. That's all we know. 

I called my boss and told him I'm leaving, and by 8:28 a.m., I'm hitting the road.  I pull in to Mercy at 8:52 a.m., find parking, make my way to ER, find the corner they put him in...

...and promptly start crying and yelling at my father for not telling me where he went."I COULDN'T FIND YOU!!!"  and  "NEXT time you feel like visiting an Emergency Room, LEAVE ME THE NAME OF THE HOSPITAL!!!"

"Oh, dear," he says. He told me he pulled a Columbus. Didn't know where he was going, didn't know where he was when he got there, didn't know where he'd been when he got back, and did the whole trip on somebody else's money. 

Ay yi yi. It did the trick, though. I stopped crying, started laughing, and the wait began. 

Thus began a very, very long day.  It seems he began vomiting at 3 a.m., but didn't want to bother anybody, so he waited until 7 a.m. to call anyone. 

I assured him that, for future reference, a 3 a.m. call is just fine. Really. Trust me. Since the car accident, I sleep with my phone. Literally.

We spent a lot of time waiting. They hooked him up to an IV (but never unclamped it), took blood (and left a vial behind on the counter), and eventually emptied his stomach through an NG tube. Homeland Security could learn some things from the medical field....

All tests were inconclusive. He has to go for an endoscopy on Friday. We'll know more then. Hopefully.

Shotgun Rider-Tim McGraw

A new favorite. Who knew I'd get such a kick out of hanging with a friend and singing along with the radio? Not too many people I'd do that with...come to think of it, there are only two.

My 50th

From my friend, Steven. I'm so glad he found me again.

My jaw

It's rather amazing I can chew anything at all

Some of my Favorite Ian-in-Seattle Pictures